What movie was that...?

07 March 2010

At the Oscars (By "At" I mean sitting in my basement. How glamorous.)

As an experiment, I am going to craft a post that reflects my stream of consciousness as I watch and react to this award show. Perhaps the effect of these thoughts, ideas, and various two cent contributions to the universe will prove profound. Probably, though, they’ll just be weird when taken out of context. We’ll see. Here we go:

-How tiny is Zac Efron? He’s like a shrinky dink man. I think Tom Cruise might be able to dunk on him. They’d have to post up on one of those plastic kiddie hoops that Fisher Price makes, though.

-Ugh, old people jokes between the Queen and Herr Von Trapp.

-I think they replaced Kathy Ireland with a robot.

-I love Jeff Bridges so much, but he still looks like a damn Wookie.

-The only reason that opening song was any good was because of NPH.

-What did you expect? I love Woody, too, but it just wasn’t in the cards. Bravo, Mr. Waltz.

-The Blind Side. What a Hallmark channel pos. Look at all that forced applause…

-Fantastic Mr. Fox, you’d better not get screwed…


-Come on, people. Up was good, but it was not Wall-E, and it sure wasn’t Fantastic Mr. Fox! Bull, sirs and ma’ams!

-This Best Song category is making me feel the exact opposite way as the year when Three 6 Mafia won for Hustle & Flow. That was a good year (but that movie A Good Year sucked ass. For shame, Ridley Scott, and double for shame to you, Russell Crowe).

-The Weary Kind. Justice. Still pissed about Karen O and New Moon.

-Please, please please. Come on, make a seriously good decision, Academy…

-Mark Boal. It’s no Coen script, but I’ll take it. Not everything can be appreciated in its own time.

-Damn you, Downey Jr. You’re too cool for school! I saw you sweeping Tina Fey up those stairs.

-RIP, Mr. Hughes. You are truly missed by us film lovers.

-Ben Stiller, you’re kind of an ass.

-Best Makeup?

-A Serious Man. Best film in years. Years.

-These Kosinski Lincoln commercials only serve to make me even more impatient to see Tr2n.

-Crap in the Air. What a disappointment. At least it didn’t win. Good call, Academy.

-Governors Awards. Lame, but awesome for geeks like me.

-Mo’Nique. Absolutely.

-Man, Colin Firth was good in A Single Man. I am so enamored with that film. I feel like Richard Jenkins in Step Brothers when Darren is talking at dinner. Wasn’t Richard Jenkins wonderful in The Visitor, btw?

-Ugh. An Avatar win and a near death story. Yeesh.

-Costume design. The Makeup award of the clothing world. But Ford deserves the award, really.

-My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Thank you for the humor, Zach G.

-Screw you, Academy! A thousand times! Edward Scissorhands is not horror! But mad props on getting From Dusk Til Dawn in there. That, incidentally, was to be my next review, followed by Robocop.

-The Hurt Locker rocks the Sound categories. I’m good with that.

-Why did they play the E.T. soundtrack when Elizabeth Banks walked on the stage?

-Eli Roth, how lucky are you that you get to ride QT’s coattails like that? I could be you. Do you realize that? I could hang out and talk to QT about White Lightning and Seven Men From Now, or the Lone Wolf and Cub series, occasionally making movies that aren’t good and- and- wait, what else is it that you do?

-Shit of the bull, Academy! Ride that fluorescent, unrealistic wave, Fiore. Lance Acord and Roger Deakins deserved the hell out of that award.

-All right. Driver showed up. I miss you, Mr. Swayze. Feel free to Ghost me anytime (Ghost me? What does that even mean, BC?).

-Desplat still deserves the Oscar, but The Hurt Locker and Up deserve best dance sequence. Nice work.

-Up. Figures.

-Of all the awards, I can make my peace with the visual effects award going to Avatar. That part of it was no joke (though I still think Weta could have given everyone a run for their money).

-I can talk shit, but James Cameron truly is his generation’s Merion C. Cooper, and the world does need grandiose, vehement and overconfident filmmakers. It’s what Hollywood was built upon.

-They’re effing dolphins. I know it’s terrible, but come on.

-Hooray! The Hurt Locker wins again! In your face, Cameron. Editing is a major and underappreciated component in the filmmaking process. Bravo.

-The Hurt Locker, along with Bug, is one of the best films about addiction in years.

-Don’t forget savage revenge, Kathy Bates. Peace, harmony, love and savage, bloody revenge. Followed by massacre. Thanks, James Cameron.

-Is it just me, or are these Microsoft commercials just demeaning to PC users? Hi, I’m a PC and I’m too stupid to handle a Mac. Please make it easier for me. I resent that (but windows 7 is pretty boss)

-Michael Stuhlbarg, it is criminal what happened to you.

-Kate Winslett, you are probably one of the finest actresses who have ever lived.

-Congrats, Jeff Bridges. I would have loved for Jeremy Renner to take it home, but you did deserve it, too.

-Okay, Mr. B. That is a big door (cue the geeky giggles from the Tron nerds).


-And Sean Penn kind of looks like Freddy Kruger.

 -Sandra Bullock, you know you don’t deserve that.

-Jesse James, there’s no crying, ever. Never show weakness!

-Yes! Yes! Kathryn Bigelow, you so deserved that. Point Break! Near Dark! K-19! The Hurt Locker!

-Is this the teariest Academy Awards ever?

-In all honesty, I knew that the Coens wouldn’t be vindicated. But at least Kathryn Bigelow got it over James Cameron. Not bad, Academy. I’ll give you a pass to judge another year.

There we go. Maybe not quite what I expected, and in a good way. That Sandra Bullock award is going to stick in my craw for some time, and I know I'm not the only one. Who's in the mood for some good, old fashioned b movie fun? Count me in. Let's go see The Crazies.

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